The wrestling heart

Raw.

Now, I don't love struggle, but I'm an addict to resolution and growth, so I love/hate the failure and conflict and struggle--much like broomball, perhaps (A former field-hockey player described broomball as the most frustrating game invented, but really fun and addicting.)

I'm prone to getting 'preachy,' to Bible bashing the sleeping church and I get emotional over the truth of the gospel--the real thing, not even touchy-feely anything...is this a gift or something I should be wary of? 

Same struggle knowing that I've always loved words and knowing that I know a lot but realizing every moment how much I don't know...

Not knowing where I stand completely on the Jesus Culture movement (wary, actually), I do enjoy singing praise to the Lord and proclaiming the truth that I do see. There are elements of worship music that are a bit disturbing if it ends up focusing back on me all of the time, but even so, I am constantly amazed by the intimacy of the God of the universe--the display of the Glory of the Father come to dwell as Immanuel; that the Holy Spirit indwells and transforms us, that the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ can offer eternal life that starts the moment we believe on His name--that we confess with our tongues, our hearts, our lives that He is Saviour and Lord. This is a life-long process, no doubt, but we know and rely on the love God has for us. We fix our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith who suffered and we suffer with him, he began it--in the beginning God created...He'll complete it... He who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine, according to His power at work... The saints have, do and will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony... Amen. All of this blows me away--'You won't relent until you have it all--my heart is yours.' 

Is it? Do I believe that His are the words of life? That drinking in the Holy Scriptures is more desirable than anything this world has to offer? That real communion with Him is where I find life and joy? That I have hope and fulfillment because I've been rescued and redeemed and reconciled to God in Christ? That He holds the words of Truth? That I don't actually have any good thing apart from Him? That anything I have or do is all because of Him and to his glory?

I am ashamed to say I don't always live like that. I am a hypocrite above all. I perpetuate those American Christian stereotypes as much as they make me sick. I back stab and two-time. I bless and curse out of the same  mouth. I try to drink in poison and chug living water. I daily walk through the mud and rejoice over so many lesser things. I struggle with judgement and criticism and cynicism. I shackle myself back to fear and insecurity. I envy and covet. I give in to the hopelessness of the world and wonder if justice really will reign. I think I'm worse than everyone but better than everyone else. I want everyone to think well of me and want me, but I am fully aware that there is no desirable trait about me. I know my weaknesses and annoying characteristics and despise them, too. Mostly, I am sad to say I place myself and other things above my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ all too often. The great I AM is a jealous God and He doesn't let me run for long, but I give glory to such mediocre things or withhold it from the creator of the universe?! How do I manage? What is this constant battle within? How does good truly win? 

As a Hosanna prayer, not a demanding request:

You are good. Show yourself good.

You are gracious. Shower your grace.

You love mercy and justice. Reign.

You are love. Fill us to overflowing.

You are righteous. Transform our lives.

You define beauty and are infinitely beautiful. Open our eyes to see the wonders.

You are glorious. Take the glory.

You are all knowing and sovereign. Give us wisdom and courage to walk in obedience.

You listen to your humble servants. Humble us and respond to our cries.

You are God; there is no other. Reveal yourself.

Transform us, we pray. This very day. 

We'll sing a new song and enjoy you forever.

Yahweh, Jesus Messiah, You have my writhing heart.

Linnea Michelle