I enjoy, relish, delight in the complexities of the
bittersweet. Hence, I enjoy the fruit of the vine, eating black licorice
and dark chocolate-covered cranberries. I let myself cry today in pain and
dance in joy. The love-hate of every part of life, the fact that we can
experience the gamut of emotions in a split second and laugh through tears or
understand and smile at the ironic in life…It’s beautiful and terrible, like
the blanket of winter snow that only comes when everything is sleeping and
looks dead or the tombstones of a cemetery solemnly calling attention to the
lives and memories of real people.
I like resolution, since I’m a minister of reconciliation
and I myself have been reconciled. Unfortunately, I over-apply this principle
just like students who learn the existence of the comma, and decide, to
punctuate, every sentence, as much as possible, with commas, for emphasis, or
for no reason, at all. Sometimes I overanalyze and find problems that aren’t
really a big deal or don’t really exist like I think they do so I can fix them—yay!
Or, not so much.
If I weren’t so concerned with being right or what everyone
thinks of me, I might not be in this predicament or sticking my foot in my
mouth quite as often. As it stands, I frequently battle internally before going
into any social setting (or being alone at home) as to why this might happen
and what can be done about it and how the best way is to act and interact, and
I too often try to help others see the same. Don’t get me wrong (haha, being
right again,) I do think this can be helpful—I can get where people are coming
from, interpret, confront in love, see complexities, etc. It’s just that
sometimes it’s nosey, sometimes it’s kind of fake, even though I’m just trying
to contextualize and over-contextualize every.single.thing.
Ooh, the seeds I’ve sown; I’m takin’ the hard way home.
Pondering the body of Christ—challenged to realize that there
is absolutely no competition (dang it!). No condemnation either. How strange
that we think in terms of winners and losers, scales and measures instead of truth
and lies or in dreams and possibilities and reality. What if I actually
approached everyone as though I were for them
(our battle isn’t against flesh and blood…). If only we understood that God so
loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosever believes in
him will not perish, but will have everlasting life. ‘Cause, truth is, we’re all dead and living in
our imaginary castles and very real shackles. None of us is immune from
suffering; none is exempt from momentary pleasures. This does not mean we are
all the same and overlook differences and there is no right and wrong; no, we
are all wrong. There is no right apart from Christ, but within him, there is
ultimate freedom!
Oh, the masks we wear. They become so much a part of us that
we can’t even separate ourselves or figure out what it is we need to surrender
(except that the answer is everything). I have such a hard time being real,
even though people would accuse me of being very genuine. True. I value honesty
and am open about my flaws and give thanks no matter what and seek the
perspective of my sovereign Lord in everything. I’m being transformed. However,
I still tinge my faith with my own flavors of goodness and desire to fit in and
be the best. All the while, I am fully aware—more so each day—that I and
everyone around me struggle and fall and fail all the time, and that’s ok, that’s
the power of the cross overcoming each time we move past those places. So, even
with all this reality swirling around, I hide. I try so hard to let myself feel,
but when the tears come, if someone sees them, heaven forbid, I shut off the
sadness, reverting back to happy is good, sad is bad. Wrong. I know that we are
no strangers to suffering in this life and we follow a savior who redeemed us
through suffering—he sweat blood in the solemnity of what was to come; he cried
over the loss of his friend; he celebrated with sinners. I don’t want to settle
for a controlled, balanced life. I don’t want to live out of control or as a “free-spirit”
either, because I am not my own. That’s what I desire my life to evidence—the altogether
loveliness and sufficiency of my Jesus.
The Word. He’s got the whole world in His hands : )
I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to be right. I don’t
have to be understood. I don’t have a right to be accepted. I don’t deserve to
be liked and listened to and catered to. I don’t have to be pursued. I don’t
have to be successful. I don’t have to prove my intelligence or talents. I don’t
have to be ashamed of my mistakes. I can sing if that’s appropriate. I don’t
need to fear people’s approval or rejection or being bad at something. I don’t
have a right to think I am better or better-off than any individual or group of
people. I don’t have pressure to know all the answers. I don’t have to look any
certain way to be more fully me or more beautiful. I don’t have to say all the
right things or be funny or wise or sweet or gentle or in tune to everyone and
everything. I don’t have to notice and remember everything. I don’t have to
keep up with pop culture or sports or everyone’s life—even mine.
I do have to follow my Lord wherever he leads.
The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear, and I don’t
know the reason why you brought me here, but just because you love me the way
that you do, I’m gonna walk through the valley if you want me to. It may not be
the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that’s not my home,
but you never said it would be easy. You only said we’d never walk alone.
Refined by fire. Precious metal.
Looking at the divine wedding…what a mystery—The Spirit
presides as God the Father presents us to his son, who is in Him from before
the creation of the world, in whom we live and move and have our being; he
presents us as one as his glorious, unblemished bride, all because of what he
did in love for us, and we enter into the divine romance and dance not because
we are qualified and know the steps, and yet yes, we do, we were bought,
washed, cleansed, dressed anew. We are readying ourselves, bride. And now, as a
single woman, convinced of the love of my beloved, Jesus, I prepare for my
wedding and my marriage to my beloved. Everyday learning I belong to another
and that includes giving of myself to others .
Correction shy and pain avoider. Drama queen. Skittish. Self-righteous
b%$@#. Yes. Sometimes. Other times, a dismal rag-tag, sopping wet, crying
puppy. Potentially, a dancer continually moving and rejoicing.
Right now, awash with relief, excitement, uncertainty,
sorrow, frustration, pain, anger, confusion, thankfulness, awe, joy, and love like grief.
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